Stoping negative Self Talk - how to change selftalk using metastates.
by Roy Kim. rkim@changework.com
Copyright 1999 by Roy Kim.
Many of us may have heard about self talk, and some of us may have tried using it to our advantage, however very few of us know how to change it effectively.
We all have doubts and limiting beliefs that keep us from doing what we want to do.
An example might be... you find yourself avoiding social gatherings and rarely meet anyone new ...ie. shy... or you have a habit of making a particular mistake that you cannot seem to break. Take a moment and step back and observe what you say to yourself.
Perhaps you remember when your growing up hearing your mom say to you "never talk to strangers." over and over. This may be the voice you hear when your about to meet someone new or Perhaps every time you make a mistake, you say to yourself "I always make that mistake..."
These are examples of "Self Talk" that is things we say to ourselves without our consious awareness. This happens at the unconsious level.
How to change Negative self-talk using metastates.
1. Now, the first thing to changing your self-talk is to recognize what your saying to yourself when your doing something you want to change. With the previous example of being shy, you hear yourself say "Never talk to strangers". Write this down.
2. After defining what you are saying to yourself, then find out the role that "Never talk to strangers." fulfills. In this particular case, ask the question "What does 'Never talk to stranger' fufills for you?" Ask this question until you find a high level value...such as "avoid rejection" ...or "acceptance". With words like "avoid rejection" the opposite word for this "acceptance" would be the value. Write down this word.
3. Change it to a positive statement that you want as a result. Write the self-talk as a "...because..." statement. So the new statement would be "I talk to new friends because acceptance is important to me."
4. Next, you learn to cancel what you say to yourself. When you hear "Never talk to strangers." you learn to cancel this out by challenging it...an example would be say to yourself "No" or "Stop" in a strong and affirmative voice. Remember a time when you said "Stop" or "No" in this way and really ment it. Other things you can use on yourself are the metamodel , "Slight of Mouth" patterns and other verbal refraiming techniques.
5. Put it all together, change it all. This takes rehersal. Practice this by stating the negative statement out loud..."Never talk to strangers" then immediately say out loud in an affirmative voice "Stop" and really mean it. Then say out loud with as much conviction "I talk to new friends because acceptance is important to me." Do this at least three times out loud, then do it silently to yourself nine times. As you do this, remember times you heard or acted on this internal dialog.
6. Test it, make sure you can do this silently to yourself anytime. Practice this silently or out loud periodically every now and then. You will start to notice changes with your own internal dialogue.
Keep in mind, you may have more than one dialogue dealing with a fear or habit so it may take asking yourself a few questions to get all of these limiting statements. It's also not a cure all yet it is a useful resource for changing a belief or a behavior.
For more information, send e-mail to info@changework.com